I recently sat down with one of my sage mentors, Ms. Bonita Tyree-Bailey. This is the conversation that followed:
What generation do you belong to?
(laughs) I know I should know that, but I don’t even know. (Following our conversation, I checked. Ms. Bonita is a boomer).
So what does living SLFSHLY mean to you?
Just realizing that you, as an individual not just as a mother, owe it to yourself to take care of yourself…your life experiences teach you that. It means prioritizing the things that are going to keep you well mentally and emotionally and physically. So I have always been a walker because that’s my form of meditation so to speak. Having time-out time—I call it decompressing myself and just having that quiet time. And it’s hard when you’ve got your children (even though they’re young adults, they still need you to some degree). I have my parents and working a fulltime job. Being available to people all the time is not good. So SLFSHLY is taking the time to be available to myself.
Love that, so what hinders you from living SLFSHLY?
Feeling responsible for things that I probably don’t need to feel responsible for. When my mom first had her stroke, that was really a difficult time and I was just trying to be available. Trying to be there all of the time. I felt like I always had to be there and I was out of balance. My cousin, she’s a psychologist, said to me ‘you have got to take care of your own stuff first and then [take care of others].’ So now I take care of what I need to take care of and then I’m good. I don’t have the animosity.
So how do you maintain your self-hood as a mother?
I think I’ve done better now that [my sons are older]. My girlfriend and I laugh about this because we say we transitioned from being a mom to being a coach. ‘You gotta play the game, I’m just over here on the sideline watching if you need something. I’m here for you, but I’m not the doer.’ I’ve never been the helicopter mom, but I know there was a period when they were younger I would try to swoop in and fix things. That was a lesson I had to learn over time. [I told my oldest son] ‘helping you [sometimes] is not helping you.’
I have a good group of friends. I was stuck in caretaker mode [for a long time and because of them], I got un-rutted.
So it sounds like creating boundaries as a mother and building a circle of people to give yourself that space to be yourself outside of motherhood?
Yeah and I have associates and friends. And I learned a long time ago you don’t have to have all of these girlfriends. You don’t need a lot. 1 or 2 is good. I call it my “3AM”. Everybody needs a 3AM person—somebody you know you can call at 3AM and they’re going to pick up the phone, if you need to wail or cry or whatever. [When it comes to my boys], my prayer for them all the time is that they have quality friendships because you can’t do life alone.
You talked about this a little bit but maybe you have some other things you do. How do you practice self-care?
Definitely quiet time. Prayer. My faith is really important to me, so that really centers me. That’s a daily practice. I mess up sometimes. I try to start my day on my knees and end my day on my knees. I get a monthly massage. It’s gotten a little cool and my schedule is crazy, but if I could walk everyday I would. Those are the 3.
Where do you look to for inspiration?
People like you. Younger people. Ever since I met you, I was like that was so refreshing. You can get stuck in your thoughts and [your habits] and you just need exposure to people who have a different perspective. I get inspiration from music, nature, and art. I’m really conscious of my personal energy which means I’m conscious of other people’s energy.
What advice would you give your younger self?
I would say, for me, because I grew up faith based, not only to have a relationship with God, but sincerely trust in God and myself. And to relax. Just relax. Conserve your energy. Keep your wits about yourself. We cause a lot of our own suffering. I had this really crazy experience at work, where my feelings were so hurt. One of my colleagues said to me ‘you know who you are, the kind of person you are. You need to return to yourself in the least amount of time possible.’ And so I just held onto that. It was some of the best advice I had ever got. Because I do know who I am and the kind of person I am. When you don’t do that, you’re just causing your own suffering. Let’s shorten the time of this disruption and just get back to who you are. But you don’t realize all that when you’re 10 years old or even in your 20’s.
Return to yourself in the least amount of time.
Ms. Bonita dropped SO many gems, right? She also expressed a deep passion for writing during our conversation and that is what she currently does in her free time. Make sure to read part 2 of this amazing dialogue on self-care and self discovery.
SLFSHLY 